lalallal

to my special one

2011-11-10T22:21:00.001+08:00

hello there ! it’s the crazy time of the year end again! and here I am blogging when I should clearly be doing something else.

School has started and I am occupied with school and many other things (or like what my secondary school teacher used to describe my commitments as a thousand and one things). The difference between now and then would probably be the current intervention of my boyfriend. well the action of intervening usually doesn’t sound too positive esp when it is coming from your romantic partner. but I guess it wasn’t too bad at the moment. though sometimes I really feel that he lives on the other side of the world and that is geographically not wrong too. he always says and advises things that make me feel bad but he always has strong reasons for them. he supports me even when he is still in the midst of discovering more faults of mine. he does shit jobs for me like sketching, calculating, calling people up… when I don’t like to do them. we fight so much such that I cherish and find it so sweet whenever we’re not fighting and are very gentle to each other.

I’ve never revealed to this large extent about myself to anyone before the appearance of this man in this life. Thank you my dear for being who you are…

2011-08-29T15:18:00.001+08:00

I stayed indoors unexpectedly today. But it’s quite nice to spend a quiet afternoon under this soothing weather with some books, my blanket, chips, hot milk and myself.

quarrelling

2011-07-24T23:36:00.001+08:00

Why view a quarrel as destructive? A quarrel is just a passionate disagreement. I think it can potentially destroy the mutual acceptance between two or more parties but it may not necessarily be the case.

If possible, I’d rather pick more arguments with my parents, than remain unfamiliar with each other’s affairs. Of course, I hope the quality of the arguments can improve over time.

It is always maddening to argue with them. Why maddening? bcos we both feel that the opposite party is being rude. I feel that they are not respecting my right to make personal decisions.Instead of trying to understand my decision-making process, they either tell me not to do it or make hurtful statements which do no help to the decision I’ve made. They feel that I’m being rude because I often argue defensively and say nasty things in return.

I believe a healthy argument should not be like that. We can still be accepting of each other yet remaining in disagreement. but of course the disagreement has to be resolved eventually. And so it is a test of patience again.

2011-07-21T00:14:00.001+08:00

This week felt like it has been crawling… towards a much anticipated weekend for me. The reason is obvious. Till then and beyond, my mind is sensing so much insecurities arising.

unanswered questions

2011-07-07T13:47:00.001+08:00

Our first thought of the day often rings in our head throughout the entire day. This morning I woke up at my psychological reminder for the truth for nus’ decision. disappointed? yes…. angry? not really… scared? very…

I’m scared not because I have no where to go… I know I have something else to work on but not knowing where… I’m being asked time and time again for my plans by EVERYONE everyday (my family, friends, colleagues, people I’m meeting for the first time and this is going to continue with people I’m going to meet soon until the day I know my next step) . Every time I’m being questioned, I trembled. I foresee every single thought, question, comment coming from them because my mind wants an answer from me too. who am I depending on for an answer? my mind again? my mind doesn’t even have a mind on its own… Frightening questions are the questions you’ve been asking yourself unendingly.

Then again, is the subject of our faith the target we turn to whenever we have questions unanswered? Is this the best solution to problems that always have roots in laziness and un-courageousness?

If you want it, come and get it.

2011-06-27T15:58:00.001+08:00

The youth outing ytd had just conveniently marked the end of the first half of 2011. Will the destiny of my second half of the year be decided by the response from nus?

On many occasions in life, I feel like I’m allowing others to take charge of my own destiny, and on my part, I know what I want the outcome to be. This process of anticipating the suspense is…… a suffering.

From what I seeing, there are mainly 2 faults that contribute to this suffering. My laziness and narrow-mindedness.

I am once again, starting to rely on something for a pleasure that began without a reason and continuing without certainty… This reliance can bring me on a cloud nine and at the same time entangle my cardiac arteries.

In this case, I am lazy in many ways. I am lazy because I choose to wait, often have thoughts of not being good enough, not daring to make differences… As a result, I’m waiting for dunno-what-to-happen. WHAT’S NEW?

Today I’m drawing parallels between both external and personal issues from me. I want to do something about them…. before another 6 months come to an end again.

等等等等

2011-06-23T14:33:00.001+08:00

我还真的等到满累的…

听说外国的月亮真的比较圆。

like a lion

2011-06-20T22:02:00.001+08:00

hello I’m so glad to be bringing good memories of camp lions home! so I got 2 out of 3 guesses on the venues of accommodation correctly.

guess which?

2 nights at aloha changi chalet and the last night at kong meng san phor khar see monastery !

Other locations we went during the day were sembawang park, lower seletar reservoir, civil servant club @ changi, pasir ris park, former manjushri sec campus, esplanade park, lim chu kang park farm.

Bulk of the activities were runabout kind, the rest are motivational workshops!

I was a little intimidated when I first heard that it is a buddhist leadership camp because I was fearing that I might have to experience those electrifying or regimental kind of leadership camps again.. They were what I used to enjoy very much during my teenage years but I’m no longer interested in just leading the loudest cheer or being the most disciplined camper -.-

camp lions was different. It encouraged us to grow from within instead of putting on a strong facade of what a leader is supposed to be, which is parallel to what lama always says- “just be a better who-you-are”. I was so glad that nobody was there to force us to behave in a certain manner…. maybe cos the participants are relatively old already. The age group is about 16 to 20 ish.

okay i think most importantly, a leader has to be able to stand up and speak for yourself and the organisation. And in order to do so, one has to be clear-minded and believe strongly in what he is doing.

may everyone lead themselves out of their delusions and addictions!

can you hear me?

2011-06-13T17:54:00.001+08:00

can’t believe I’m meeting yen and the rest later and I’m muted by my sorethroat !!!! I might bring along some writing materials for dinner -.-

I’ll be away for a mysterious buddhist youth camp from this coming thu to sun. Judging from the way the organisers publicise it, it seems like the camp is quite xiong…. which I’m not very mentally prepared for. But still, I dunno what exactly am I expecting from the camp. The meeting point is in the north o.O actual venue is unknown. haha I wonder if we’re going to stay at a chalet, campsite or monastery. :> let’s see how lor hor…. It has been a long time for me to stay at a campsite btw…

I had an interesting weekend btw. I erupted in cold sweat under my blanket on friday night and experienced a burst of energy on my early saturday morning to poh ming tse together with alex. actually I was feeling quite unprepared… yet very grateful I could listen to so many teachings for the past 1 year. I’ve never dreamt that I’ll be representing a tibetan buddhist tradition today… And following the dharma quiz at PMT was my granny’s 88th birthday dinner. that was good food along macpherson road but unfortunately, I was suffering from a lousy appetite the whole day. I was looking through the pictures taken that evening and started admiring my skin colour…. I kinda like this shade of tan…. hahaha… and then I spent my sunday morning and afternoon at davinia’s place for dharma junior mtg. somehow I think the teachers enjoy getting distracted by davinia’s boys. hehe… and then a surprisingly quiet evening in the east with kit. I mean quiet for my mind, not my ears. hahaha…

june, the month of insecurity

2011-06-08T23:33:00.001+08:00

I hate how this whole self-pity emotion arise whenever I’m caught in helpless situations. I felt like as if my self-worth is a bee- see- dee. Despite trying to be rational, I still bear resentment towards people who say similar things like that whenever I express my interest in pursuing my education in a local prestigious campus.

These people are appearing to speak for the reality but to me, U ARE JUST MOCKING AT ME LOR!

“erm.. actually with your grades, you don’t have much chances to enter.”

thanks for your reminder lor, but no thanks. I’ve heard enough. By graduating from nus with your masters and now in the admission board, doesn’t give you a better position to tell me that I’m not as deserving as others.

well maybe you do…

I’m the one here with the problem. I’ve heard some truth and I got very upset. Not the first time hearing, yet still not used to it.

secret desires

2011-06-07T00:07:00.001+08:00

As my new blog title ‘secret place on Earth’ suggests, the contents mentioned here are not publicly told to anyone because I am very shy. Nevertheless, there is nothing at the moment for me to hide. Hopefully, I can open up to more people when I make the effort to note down my observed thoughts and emotions here.

I only started my day at noon and spent the rest of the time at Central as it was part of my plan to read the 2 dharma books while chillaxing with some cakes and coffee.

Then I got very restless probably because of the dose of caffeine so decided to leave my seat at tcc. Very predictably, I settled myself by the mesmerising riverside together with many other strangers at about 6pm.

It’s kinda fascinating to see how people are naturally attracted to the waters. It is a place where a lot of people can feel most at ease with themselves. At times like this, I will feel like I enjoy being a bystander very much. I enjoyed watching the the hustle bustle from afar, new rapids form when the boats passed, and my thoughts come and go.

hi long time no see~

2011-06-02T02:05:00.001+08:00

Another dinner with an irregular group of friends, I don’t dine with regular friends that’s why. I’m always meeting my different circles of friends once in a while…once in a blue moon. I dunno what kind of person experience the same thing as I do, in case you’re thinking of a personality trait that explains my “erratic” relationships with people.

So I spent this evening with two of my fellow old birds from enchanted after work. And as usual we were bringing up things that happened during the old enchanted times( defined as the time before some weird newbies joined us and the change in our upper management). Somehow I can anticipate the table topics for such once-in-a-while gatherings already… And usually I’d end up being the observer and participate by laughing most of the time and comment a bit ( I don’t have a lot of comments one).

I felt a little guilty towards them as I did not turn up for the chalet they had planned for in Jan and apparently they had spent much effort and money ( without being remunerated fully) in it. Probably they’re going to continue to remember me as the one of those who did not turn up for the chalet yet indicated yes on the fb invitation pg becos I was sick (and it was Dzambala’s celebration night). Actually that was not quite a big deal until I start to reflect on the people whom I managed to keep in contact over the years while I was on my way home.

I was thinking if I were to die now, then the last impression they have of me would be the one we have over the last dinner ( or karaoke ). So I was imagining what some of them can best remember me as.

“ the girl who cried because there was no bus to bring her home” – my colleague reminded me of this embarrassing incident when we were waiting for the staff bus just now.

the girl who….

“had a crush on her junior”

“is always late for school/work/appointments”

“ can’t decide on trivial things like the nail colour and hair clip”

“always sleeps in the breakroom”

or I think most people will simply say “ the short girl who laughs damn loudly”.

sigh. sounds quite sad lehhh…to think of it. And the sadder thing is, I still dunno what people can better rmb me for. You know what that means? I’m not quite sure who I am lor.

I mean I’m always engaging myself in different activities and hanging out with different people and resultantly, behave differently. (I used to think I;m a social butterfly but now I convinced myself that I’m not that sociable after all) And at the end of the day, I’m uncertain of the things I’ve done. like why did my behaviour, speech, mind turn out to be like that at the very moment? actually I can answer that question lar. I was not just aware of myself and my unstable thought patterns which are easily affected by what others say.

If I’m always alert and sharp then I should be able to understand myself better. Otherwise I will forever be living in my own beclouded world despite meeting so many people and never find a boyfriend.

may everyone gain a new understanding of themselves too.

goodnight

Why is there a need for higher education?

2011-05-30T19:31:00.001+08:00

I was thinking, what will actually happen if I decide to skip my tertiary education NOW.

I’m surely going to continue what I’m doing now- job-hopping and working on a contractual basis. It is generally stress-free but there is just so much I can do when I’m following the wind. I don’t have the money to bring my parents out of retirement, I don’t have money to support any initiatives… so there is time but no money to spend.

So is higher education the only solution for a good prospective employment? University graduates are equipped with the prior knowledge of the particular industry they have been studying about even before they step into the workforce so that put them in an advantageous position.

I’m also noticing many young people around me who are not pursuing their higher education. Superficially (I’m not sure …), there didn’t seem to be any dissatisfaction in their standard of living.

And what we often quote as “experience” would have a substantial part to play when we have to prove our productivity to our employers because our sole tangible asset, that is our academic certificate, is just overrated and massified.

Yes experience is important. If you are lenient enough, you can consider me to have a year of working experience. But I don’t know how to present my experience to you if you don’t give me enough time. (testimonials and referrals letters are great but they don’t work all the time because the contents are subjective) But a certificate is different, it can package my experience in school in the most presentable manner and most people would understand.

For a very long time, I thought it is compulsory to “buy” higher education in order to maintain a competitive edge in the society. Actually I think it is still true… because I don’t dare to have a social standing that is less than a mediocre in a highly knowledge-based society.

I’ve tried hard to “buy” it but I failed twice. What is wrong? because my grades were already less than mediocre in the first place!

Now I’m appealing to be a consumer of the higher education market. I want to receive education from a local autonomous university in particular. I don’t want to just spend money and go through the process of studying again for the sake of a cert. If that’s the case, I should just settle for a local private institution and the resulting certificate shouldn’t lose out too much in terms of its accreditation. I am quite sure that I want an education that suit my varied interest across a few academic areas. I want to step into the workforce 4 yrs later, knowing and appreciating the management of our society which is dependent on the interconnectedness of various specialised industries. In this way, then I can consider myself to be equipped with knowledge and skills in my field of study in the best possible way.

how? enough pride and ego or not? I can’t forget how lama was seemingly directing at me for not setting clear goals and objectives in life. And the way to do it is to be successful and generate pride for it , of course in moderation.

i pray for a skillful speech

2011-05-22T16:36:00.001+08:00

Another lousy day when I feel like every part of my life is demanding answers which I do not like to think about from me. I don’t see any wit in me that can help to come up with ANSWERS. I can’t remember when did I start to develop a fear for answering people (or myself). Now I just detest thinking for answers. How I wish I have a guidebook to them…

And I think twice before questioning people…..sometimes I don’t dare to question myself.

I hate to think because my brain doesn’t think very well… Having attended a junior college doesn’t mean the IQ is very high, it just means I’ve been trained to think in a particular way. But I’m also not trying to say that I can think very well in the “jc-way” because if I were to succeed in that then I would have scored fantastic grades for my A levels.

I think, I feel, I believe, I aim….

oh dear…… You don’t know how much I wished to say I don’t know!

omg I’m sorry I must have sounded like a loser in this entry

how do we meet the right one?

2011-04-16T01:37:00.001+08:00

One of the desires that resides in most of our minds, that is the search of our lifelong partner ( but I wonder if we can have many right ones in a lifetime too). I don’t know the way either because I don’t find myself having much luck in romance YET. This is just another late night- inspiration from me… while waiting for my hair to dry (perhaps I should just install a mini hairdryer in my room).

I think the set of requirements with regard to our ideal partner forms naturally at the back of our mind too, such as the height, physique, style (geeky? sporty? artsy?), educational qualification, interests, habits…For me, I dunno what I want because I can’t list out such things clearly. For some people, they know what exactly they are looking for. Sometimes the person we ended up with doesn’t quite match our requirements. I think most of the times it happens lah. Is that why there is a difference between an eye candy and “someone whom we truly love”? What I was trying to say is, if we find ourselves being attracted to say, two persons who are vastly different, maybe these the presence of these 2 persons function differently to suit our needs.

Many times when we find ourselves falling for someone , we can recognise some things in him that are lacking from our requirements. oh… he is very nice and sweet, buttttt…… So how did we fall in the first place???!!!!! Was it THAT moment? The first discovery of something really special?

Anyway, some people think that by repeatedly thinking and always expecting some things from that someone is a sure sign of being in love. really? I used to think so lah but now maybe not… I experience the same mental process when I’ve just purchased some slightly costlier stuffs except that there was less intensity of emotions involved. haha

2011-04-10T22:59:00.001+08:00

I think it’s innate in everyone to have a desire of being liberated and as for the type or extent of freedom, it varies from person to person, depending on the circumstance one faces.

My sister explained her butterfly tattoo as a “ symbolism of liberation (of her past relationship problems)”. So somehow everyone roughly has a idea of how liberation should be… being free from the duties of a girlfriend, free from financial burden, free from illnesses, free from school, free from being controlled by others, ….. It is like how a butterfly has emerged from a cocoon whenever we think we’ve achieved one of our freedoms.

That is not a wrong analogy. But I think the butterfly continues to meet more challenges and most importantly, is still very vulnerable to attacks from predators. And sadly, it is true for us, human beings too.

happy mind

2011-04-09T00:22:00.001+08:00

We do most of the things in life with the hope of getting noticed by others, in other words, trying to meet expectations both from others and ourselves. Of course, some of them are inevitable due to the nature of our work but most of them are unnecessary. And by having that as the main motivation for our daily activities, there is practically no time for ourselves!

Actually the idea of having time for ourselves is difficult. I think sometimes when I’m engaged in my favourite pastimes like singing, sleeping, eating, they didn’t turn out to be as rejuvenating as they are supposed to be. I sing to feel good about myself, sleep to……..sleep and make up for my sleep loss, eat because it’s meal time or I felt obliged to have a meal with people I think I should get to know them better. So actually, in many situations, I don’t exactly feel very comfortable with my surroundings. But as usual, I forget about all these slightly negative feelings once they’re over.

It’s not quite a big deal after all this issue is not bothering me very much. but unfortunately, it’s tiring me out. There are 7 days a week, and I’m only required to “meet others’ expectations” twice a week because I’m paid to do so and things I do for the rest of the week are my own initiatives, yet I’m kinda unwilling to wake up every morning.

hahaha…. I shall see what is my first thought when I wake up tmr morning.

goodnight!

2011-03-29T00:21:00.001+08:00

I’M PROUD TO SAY THAT: I’M READY TO SUBMIT MY SUPPORTING DOCUMENTS TO NUS!!!!! *DANCES AROUND*

2011-03-09T00:27:00.001+08:00

hahaha today was my first day at work after a month or so of not working at USS. It was kinda funny because I had to face many questions but it was just basically, “ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?” “OMG! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!” I was being questioned by my managers, colleagues I’ve already known and colleagues I’ve just knew today (when they found that I had been working at uss since last jan). lolll…

actually i didn’t disappear for that long… maybe before cny? and then I took a month of leave.

lol well… maybe you could have guessed that I’m secretly enjoying this in a way, that people have noticed me for being away for quite awhile. *chuckles*

I’ve finally rode on human and cylon battlestar today ! it’s now my turn to drag others to play.

growing out of teenage /=

2011-03-04T00:14:00.001+08:00

Hi it’s 11 at night and I’m “working” in front of my computer with the lights off except for my table lamp.

I rmb how I used to show my dislike towards secondary school students ( after I’ve graduated from ntss, of course) because I find many teens in that age-group love to act cool and mature. har har har….oh goodness me! actually I think I was one of them. cos you know why? I’ve kept many rubbish from my secondary school days and I had to go through them bcos I have to clear away some of my stuff to make space for more. So I was reading my past scribbles and…..they are utterly embarrassing. I wouldn’t dare to read my past archives of this blog either….

So funny hor? Why do I not dare to face the experiences I’ve once had that made me who I am today? because it’s nothing honorific, in fact it is very childish and embarrassing such that I think, I’m afraid that the present me will judge the teenybopper I used to be.

Maybe I’ve changed in many ways over these few years and have forgotten how it is like to think like one in the early teens. Some people say I…make myself sound so old when I’m only just a few years apart since my graduation from ntss (4 years to be exact). But it’s true that I feel so different from who I was 4 years ago.

Growing older…yes, means increased maturity in the mind and physically. I learn to be slightly more practical, more mindful of my body, speech and mind… Does that mean that I make better decisions? I don’t know…

I don’t know how to consider one as becoming wiser… definitely not to judge if I’ve improved in maths or not.

2011-03-02T00:57:00.001+08:00

Btw I miss Tibet very much but I can’t tell what exactly is so attractive about Tibet.

People always ask me how did I spend my 3 weeks at Tibet. I think my answers are doing no justice to the wonderful experiences I had in Tibet. This is what I would say: visited holy sites, monasteries, did some shopping, peed in the nature for the first time, bickered with my parents, as usual, had to climb many many steps to very elevated landmarks e.g. Potola palace and Lhamo Lhaso lake, ate a lot…. Honestly, I can only name these few because that was all the itinerary had (excluding the bickering part, it was never planned for lol ).

The reason why I’m still bringing this up when it has passed for 4 months, is that I’m planning to go Ladakh, commonly known as “little Tibet”, in June. I really hope to go…

Anyway, the last trip to Tibet was very special to me because I was granted refuge in the holy land. It was just a simple ceremony and nothing radical has happened since then, just added a new meaning to my life.

There were so many images I wished to capture and I think I did… I realise that I can recall many of them without depending on my pictures as I’m doing this entry. I can imagine the scorching touch of the sun rays at Tibet, the occasional dry winds and the cool climate that always leave my fingers cold. I can recognise the stale butter-incense smell at the monasteries which sometimes infuses into my temple mildly. I remember how the natives enjoy their walks and always mumble or chant under their breath regardless of being in groups or solitary. That makes the busy streets somehow lively in a non-messy way…

2011-02-19T16:35:00.001+08:00

Hihi~ took my leave off this morning’s work for an image consultation conducted by Alyce from Universe image consultancy. Well I learnt a lot cos there are too many feedbacks…. I was being advised on the colour and type of clothings… but I think trimming back to what I was supposed to be is more crucial. poof!

2011-02-09T17:13:00.001+08:00

It's 1148am already and I was only required to enter 5 orders. What a rare opportunity to slack in the office !
My mom got me a table for my workspace from ikea last sun. yes I decided not to go for the visting I've been contemplating about.
so in the end I made a fruitful trip to ikea instead. Now the furniture is still in the stage of assembling but finishing soon….
Lo hei’s coming up in a while’s time.

Half an hour more to dismissal time! Just came back from cny celebration at level 2.
And you know what, I’ve won myself a pillow for wearing qipao today ! lol lol lol…
I was totally not expecting that.

I think I’m very lucky to join singtel at the right time because there are so many festive celebrations! 

a monster named pride

2011-02-09T00:23:00.001+08:00

=( It feels like shit when what I thought could be my world had turned against me. my mind is beclouded with self-defensiveness and angst. I’m not in the mood to talk too much lest I spread this negative energy and more people start to dwell on their emotions too.

I am really not good in expressing myself and connecting with people but if there is one thing that I hope to let everyone understand, that will be ……………………………………………………………………….to save our speech just for someone who needs it. Very often, we make ourselves heard just for our prideful reasons and it always turn out to be meaningless/hurtful/untactful/irritating/untrue/nonsensical/insensible. because our pride can be quite a monster.

I’m ‘watching’ my pride and speech from now onwards and promise not to commit what I’ve mentioned earlier to my best efforts !

2011-02-07T23:30:00.001+08:00

I’m very upset with myself because I feel so sian with almost everything. and fed up because I’m constantly finding faults with the people around me esp when THEY START TO TALK.

_________________________________________________

goodnight I’m going to rest in peace tonight. bye

2011-02-05T23:09:00.001+08:00

I had rather dull cny holidays this year. Nothing much has changed from last year though, I think it’s just me. I feel sick everyday ( not flu…), I think I look bad, my complexion has deteriorated. My body doesn’t show that it’s unwell and I don’t speak about it. No one suspected too.

Suddenly, I got so tired of talking- talking about things I’ve been repeating for the whole year.

I’m also dreading to meet a group of enthusiastic people whom I don’t know very well for cny visiting. I ….really….just want to…be normal…… and keep quiet. 0: But then it is a different story when I’m in the enthusiastic party, then I can’t keep quiet.

So I’ve been driving for quite a bit, with my dad shouting at me all the time. To be honest, I’m quite affected when too many people (passengers) are telling me what to do at the same time. But I can’t blame them also… cos I’m really very lousy.

well on a brighter note, I’ve dyed my hair for the first time to a pleasant shade of brown ( not too light but still noticeable)

okay, there is nothing real recent about me that is worth celebrating about. HURRAY to those who have fought the flu bug over/before the cny holidays and best wishes to the ones who are still sick. Congratulations to babies who have newly expanded their vocabulary. Well done to those who have just mastered an instrument and completed O/A levels.

I give myself a pat for at least I have a refuge to go for.

GP was a nightmare 2 years back

2011-01-14T00:25:00.001+08:00

Tonight’s teaching from lama was mostly based on having a balance in life. and concluded with “reaping what you sow”.

Very rarely do I dare to discuss profound topics like these. It’s like GP- that’s why I HATE to be forced to write essays on such topics. It feels so unreal of me to be coming up with the content because I was just pretending to write something that sound professional and intellectual back then. So I was never proud of any of my GP essays and I have never scored well in them.

And the reason why I don’t write my essays with my heart is simply because I did not have enough personal experience that could relate me to the topic. What we were taught to do was to accumulate as much knowledge (as in facts, statistics..) about some of the predictable topics. And perhaps the next step to that was to just take a stand and use our logic to rationalise and argue our way out.

Yes there are people of my age who could do GP very well. And as far as I’ve noticed, they already had very good command of the English language. By having good english certainly puts you at an advantage when you’re trying to express everything that comes to your mind. But people with good English don’t necessarily do well in GP. That’ when some gp tutors say sth went wrong with their logic.

I. still. don’t. quite. understand. the. point. of. doing. GP.

So it that a test on your language skills or logic? ok lah very obviously, it’s both. But who is to judge who’s logic is right or wrong? I rmb that there were a few times when I felt that I made complete sense but my gp tutor just told me off.

Anw I’m here not to criticize the examinable subject-GP.

It’s hard to do so when I don’t give any examples.

But I must also admit that GP had played an important role in the development of my thinking skills.

This is quite personal for me because I felt that the focus in GP was too much on ways and means to push your way through the essay. This was what I’ve registered from my gp tutor’s lessons, maybe it’s not true for the other students.

And in that sense, that sort of way of using my logic did affect the way I think in everyday life.

So for me, I finally got out from a year of intellectualisation and currently reviewing many former GP topics through the practice of spirituality.

aircon, regular working hours and friendly colleagues

2011-01-13T12:56:00.002+08:00

Wow I'm surprised that my workplace allows internet access to blogger during lunch time hour. No facebook, of course.
My colleague had just reminded me this morning that there is 47 more days to the end of our contract.
So far all 4 of us have no intention of extending our contract. 3 months is a reasonable length of stay at singtel. Now I've fulfilled my wish of working in an office, though not quite of something I've expected.Initially I only wanted to mix around with office people who are suited up. At singtel, the majority of the staff are uncles and aunties. But I kinda like it, it's an easygoing and friendly environment.
The next one on my wish list is to work in a f&b industry,dunno if I should work in a big or small company....or rest till school starts...or commit more time at USS...

welcome cny 2011

2011-01-12T23:51:00.001+08:00

I opted for a day rest today and slept till noon. It feels so good. Although the way was not as fulfilling as I wanted it to be, but at least I had some quiet time for myself to think what am I going to do with my future Saturdays because I have too many things to do over the weekends.

URG: And I still haven’t packed my room.

I have a few things in mind actually but I think if I gonna reveal some of them to my mom, she will diao me.

I’m quite sick of the colour of my wall. my parents love to keep walls white because it is simple and clean-looking, i think.

With the current state of my room, there is no chance of personalising it. It just serves my sister and I the purpose of sleeping and storing our things. So I think there is many more things to be done prior to re-designing the room.

The first step would be getting rid of stuffs prior to some of the unnecessary furniture

I’ve heard of a rule for spring cleaning, that is for things that you have not used in the past 1 year, it is very likely you won’t ever use it again so throw them away.

It’s very true and I always remind myself of that. And I still don’t know why am I retaining so much rubbish.

Anyway room-clearing is always the #1 agenda in most people’s new year resolutions, right?

Well, I try to do it but at the very last min when cny is nearing and it’s stressing me out.

This year cny eve falls on 2nd Feb (wed). That means I have about 3 more weeks to complete.

Since we’re on the topic of new year resolutions, I have a second one on my list.

#2- change my outlook. I was advised not to shorten my hair length. So what should I do??? I want to change my hairstyle lehhhh…..

my first notebook

2011-01-09T22:19:00.001+08:00

I feel value-added , in a materialistic way, today. ok it doesn’t sound exciting but it quite a big deal to me because my daddy bought me my first notebook! Now that it’s personal, I can do anything to my computer. ok lah it’s not like I know how to do much to it also…..

And luckily I had my brother to accompany me to the electronics fair at suntec. If not I wouldn’t have any idea on how to navigate my way around that place.

Today was the first time I’m driving my family car out to the main road. That was special to me but I feel like I have to relearn my driving skills when my dad is in the car.

Monday has arrived again and weekends are always over-productive such that I always that I have lost so much sleep over the weekends.

okay time to knock off from temple.

To talk or not to talk?

2011-01-08T00:26:00.001+08:00

I have a singtel malay male colleague whom all of us are suspecting that he is eyeing on a 19 year old temporary female staff that works "downstairs". Two days ago, we had an interesting and heated conversation as we walked towards bugis mrt station after work. It all started when he asked me if I can befriend "the girl downstairs" if not she will feel left out because her colleagues are unfriendly. And that day was the first time she joined the four of us (the 3 guy colleagues and me) for lunch. It was after that lunch that my malay colleague commented that I'm not clicking well with her cos I wasn't talking enough. So I turned defensive and said that it is just me that I don't like to talk too much. I think it is important to voice our comments only for interested or relevant parties. What do you think? I get very turned off when people go on yakking away…or bombard me with so much information. However, it is a different thing when people are telling a story. Are we able to impart our stories in all our speeches? Anw that was something my mentor taught that I've been thinking about. So personally, I'd rather be a listener cos I'm not a good story-teller.

And maybe I wasn't even defending against what my colleague had said. I've noticed myself facing some communication issues and that may not appear on the surface but it is like a very long-lasting battle in my mind. So what kind of 'battle' is that?

To put it simply," to talk or not to talk?". That is a hugeeeeee problem for me seriously. It is difficult to talk properly and be silent comfortably. In a way, I think we are being forced to talk incessantly. Take the school that is just 3 bus stops away from my house for example, the way they study is freaking me out! Talk more, score more! Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing the system. Not in any position to do so anw. I am complaining because I am at a disadvantage as I don't know how to make meaningful speeches. If nothing comes to my mind means dunno what to say what ! why must we force ourselves to think of something to say !

Nonetheless, I have a logical reasoning behind most types of speechlessness. That is the lack of knowledge in the subject.

I'm encountering more of such cases, does that mean that I have a lot more to catch up with my peers? That is really something I have to reflect on man.

There are also times when my knowledge is there but I'm not too sure if I should still ahead and deliver my speech. Lack of confidence? But I don't know how did that come about?

Imma continue the part on remaining silent the next time if I feel like it again cos I need to turn in soon.

But back to the conversation with my colleague.

I was told that I tend to hide my real-self and always putting on a perfected side of me….???!!! That is why there is like an "imaginary barrier" between people and me so I kind of appear cold, even though I'm friendly……..

I really……..have many arguments for that but it got me to think a lil deeper about my unspoken issues.

Don't have time for that now cos I need to sleep liao.

Goodnight~!

insecurity

2011-01-03T00:48:00.001+08:00

I want to confess……..that there are times when I feel lousy about myself when I'm not even schooling, earning serious money, conscious about my appearance, nor being crazily in love.

I think retired old people generally have the abovementioned type of living status. Don't you think so? I lived like as though I've retired in 2010 such that I even have time for pilgrimages, volunteer work, plenty of outings… I used to think that my grandmother has the most untroubled state of mind since she has stopped experiencing "new challenges" in her life as she does the same things everyday! …cook, watch tv, go ntuc, sleep, expect surprise visits from us….

Maybe this is not very true you know… her emotions could be like a roller coaster just for as long as her insecurities remain. For me, I did not have many worries either. In fact I had so much fun, sufficient income and made the most number of friends in a year. All I was supposed to do last year was to move myself a little away from my comfort zone and still generate equal love and responsibility towards my new and old environment. I think I've failed in that aspect. I'm still fundamentally lazy…..and my old problems still persist no matter who I meet and where I go.

I realise my problems but I do not know how to handle them, that's when I feel very lousy and tired.

2010-12-03T00:20:00.001+08:00

Second day at new working environment! There is going to be a week of training and I haven't been hearing anyone lecture for so long already. So I'm struggling to keep myself awake.

No internet connections at office desktops even though it's a telecommunication company.

Anyway I think the current challenge is to create more conversations with the people in my training group. All 3 of them are guys – 2 just ORD-ed, 1 just finished A levels (not from the mainstream though. Don't play play). I'm once again stuck with the people waiting to go Uni. My agent told me that I'll be with 5 other girls but this is obviously not the case. I find it so funny and awkward to be spending SO MUCH TIME with a few guys I'm meeting for the first time. It becomes funnier when these guys don't even know each other and they don't seem to click yet. So I had to say……something to make up some table topics. Well I'm glad one of them attempted to do too! You know I'm kinda introverted so I'm not very confident about such things. Not easy…but we'll try.

And these days, I've been thinking about my colleagues at Shrek breakroom. It was not like I am exceptionally close to them and there were times when I don't know what to say to some people. But there were connections, laughter and we were very comfortable. Well… that's what my relationships with most people are like anyway. Hahahha very good, I like.

This getting to know your people gonna take some time…. I'm not so worried about what my work concerns cos I believe that I should be able to catch up , even though the entire data entry system sounds so confusing to me. I'm very lousy at listening to instructions, need some time to work on it myself. And the boys seem to be much more hardworking than me. Very good.

2010-11-23T00:48:00.001+08:00

What do you think is happening when I'm at a loss of words at describing myself? Lack on self-reflections? Vocabulary? Maybe hopefully it's a sign of less labelling.

It was just a few years back when I thought that I was damn critical at identifying traits of people (including myself).

For example, I've always felt that I'm very optimistic (and secretly think that more people should be like that) but now I think it may not be true because my beliefs could be just an illusion!

I too used to think that some people are this and that….(actually I still do…) And when such and such notions are formed, I'm bound to my own understanding of these adjectives.

But now I found out that there are actually so many truths to it that got to be uncovered!

So my point is, there is no need to be so harsh in your judgements towards people, and not forgetting to be kind to yourself too.

Still, my problem hasn't been solved yet. No labelling is good. How am I going to respond to interviews in the most truthful and pleasant manner?

2010-11-18T00:39:00.001+08:00

I'm running out of words to say……..Thus shying away from people whom I don't know well. D= there are too many of them and I continued to smile out of obligation. That certainly made me very awkward.

Of course there are people whom I can converse well with and people whom I don't know how to respond to.

2010-11-13T13:52:00.001+08:00

Wearing hot pants under a tunic that TOTALLY COVERS IT or exposing a bit of the shorts once in a while is kinda gross to me… why are there plenty of females wearing these things out ?Omg. Are they lacking of fabrics to wear? I don't mind a top going with hot pants but a slightly elongated top with…underpants? NO! I only wear that when I'm going to sleep…Zzz.. haiz… I don't know how this trend started as I've only noticed this recently at my workplace. I believe it's neither Korean nor Japanese… cos their fashion sense isn't so…lack of attitude. anw that was just my observation lah…nothing much…hurhurhur

2010-11-08T00:41:00.001+08:00

Hi Hi ! I'm back again..

Quite a tiring day for me today because I slept late last night and had to wake up early this morning for dharma junior 2011 curriculum discussion. This morning's meeting was interesting because lama popped by a couple of times and gave many helpful advices on our lesson plans. I've always believed that children dharma is very important …..so I'm very keen about taking up this challenge. Well anw…I wanna try my best to do a good job in this. Now it turns out that most of our lesson outlines have to be revised and it is going to be more meaningful. That would mean that a lot of reading and clarifications have to be done.

It's funny how there seems to be a continuity in the different things I've been doing this year.

Why am I dealing with so many kids?! Partly because I agreed to all of them but that was because all these opportunities had arisen. Plus, I'm not the kind who likes to entertain children. I would like to understand them and then learn to love them but I don't like to baby-talk too much with them. Sometimes baby-talking is necessary to build a rapport but when it's too much……it's nothing detrimental lah I guess…. It just disinterests me. Sigh

Hahaha…

And then in the afternoon I had lunch with family in view of my brother's upcoming birthday. And then went to search for the breadmaker at OG departmental mall. there wasn't much discount to it so we dropped the idea of buying it. Nice, haven't really been out with my siblings for quite some time already.

And there is a greater cause for celebration and that is, my brother agreed to join my mom and I this evening for Tibetan Buddhism course. J that's a very good start to get one to open up your mind!

horror

2010-11-07T00:51:00.001+08:00

Hello friends,

3 weeks since my return to Singapore! And I haven't finished my entry on Tibet! Man… I miss Tibet.

Actually my current life is pretty disorganised now. How do you tell?

My room is in a mess and I think it kind of reflects my state of mind- idle and unfocused. So sorry to admit that. I'm supposed to be rejuvenated from my trip to the holy land and ready to be very motivated. Uhhh…

But I do feel very joyful now…because I know I've just been through a very amazing trip and now I'm back with my family and friends. You know it's not that I have got nothing better to do. I HAVE PLENTY OF THINGS TO DO… but my current attitude towards life is too laid back and even though I'm not exactly slacking but that leaves me little security for the future. And I'm getting very indecisive over the slightest matter…haiz. Why like that?

There are a few outstanding events/projects/agenda coming up:

2 wedding dinners in nov
I want to give a friend of mine a thank-you gift but I'm very shy so I've been procrastinating for damn long… omg.. I wanna kill myself.
I'm involved in a children's camp in late nov
21km standard chartered run this early dec and I haven't started on my training.
I recently took up a new childminding prog and the turnout appears to be ……not very productive for the children. I dunno if I should continue volunteering weekly.
I'm supposed to complete the synopsis of some dharma books but I don't understand how that whole data entry works.
I have not done sufficient research on what I want to study next year and everyone's giving me that how-could-you-look. Ok lah not everyone…
I'm becoming a children dharma teacher next year and I think I'm always running out of ideas to contribute to lesson planning

Well… most of the time they are not bothering me until when I decide to think about them.

Kay I'm going to sleep now. It's getting lateeeeee…..nites!

2010-11-04T00:51:00.001+08:00

We're once again in the month of November! Wedding dinners are coming up next ! haiz… I need to watch my diet mans.

i will be back

2010-09-25T01:02:00.002+08:00

Hello friends, I'll be departing Singpapore in slightly more than 12 hours time for Chengdu and then transferring to Tibet on the following day. I'm thrilled at the idea of staying at the roof of the world for almost 3 weeks. I'm not sure if my health can withstand the harsh conditions at Tibet and my mind is able to cope with the simpler standard of living. I think it's going to be very challenging and I don't know what to expect.haha...maybe a change in complexion (dunno if it's turning out to be good or not leh. my guess is, it can either be a very bad sunburnt that causes premature ageing or a cute natural blush due to the increased production of rbc over there...hehehe).

Anyway, I hope to share with you my diary that will be written there when I'm back.
You're surprised that I'm on a pilgrimage isnt it? I've been contemplating a little about changes lately and I figured that the only constant definitive characteristic about me should be h......t lol.

make a difference to a child today!

2010-07-06T12:31:00.002+08:00

my baby neighbour has finally learnt how to walk but she still likes to nua on people...
the toddler didn't used to like me carrying her but now she would grab my knees (maybe calves for others....) to elevate her.
Suddenly I have to come into contact with so many children.Fortunate children who celebrate their birthdays at universal studios, children with tougher luck suffer physical abuse.Children who know how to carry their younger siblings, children who do not know how to fasten their seatbelts. Children who are willing to give up on Alex, children who refused to share their stationeries.
Children too, have been coming across many adults who have the responsibility of playing as the "wise man". What children we have today is the result what kind of adults we have been. I guess I have to be even more mindful of all my actions from now onwards.

what happens when you're neither working nor schooling

2010-06-12T23:40:00.002+08:00

Hi darlings! people are assuming that I'm not doing anything on my 4 other off-days during the week and therefore they're advising me to convert to a full-timer. I've once again insisted on not doing that.
why do people naturally feel like they're lost for directions when they're neither schooling nor busy building up on their finances. and as a result, so many little meaningful things in life have been neglected. I dunno what others may think about other 'meaningful things' would mean bcos it's very subjective. to me, it can be going into spiritual development, caring for one's dental health (which I think is easily forgotten when you're out of school,spending quality time with the people dear to you, learn and make some contributions towards the community.....
However, it sounds feasible that such things can be perfectly integrated into our daily lives. but i guess it requires much training prior to that. (esp for me as I'm not quite disciplined)

nevertheless, i still want to stress that having youth is an asset. there are really really many things to do as a youth. I am going to embrace each and every day !

O.O

2010-05-25T20:19:00.002+08:00

weather: hot
mood: okay

I had so much free time in the afternoon. I even allowed myself to continue listening to the obvious tricksters that approached me outside somerset 313.
do I look like one teenybopper very such low self-esteem walking down orchard road? I'm so sorry lor...even though I always tell myself and other people that I've put on weight already but I've never believed that I'm fat. THEY WERE SHOWING ME STUPID STATISTICS AND TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT I HAVE GT A DANGEROUS PERCENTAGE OF BODY FAT. the auntie (one of the tricksters) is lagi plump lor!

so stupid....but quite interesting to listen through their nonsense. I love to see how their faces look when they realised that it was a false hope after an hour later.

gap year ahead

2010-05-11T22:44:00.002+08:00

REJOICE! a new date to remember- 11 May 2010. I got myself a new boyfriend.

I'm just kidding.

but my status has changed. With effect from tomorrow onwards, I will not be particularly concerned about my university admission JUST FOR this year beacause I'll be freelancing and searching for my direction in life.

watch me. my life is turning exciting.
for one of the few occasions, I really HAVE to put my words into actions because my youth span is shortening exponentially.

ch-ch-ch-changes, face the strange...!

2010-05-08T20:59:00.002+08:00

weather: VERY HOT!
mood: okay

shit I'm rejected from smu. I need to state my reasons for the appeal in no more than a thousand words and I'm ALLOWED to attach documents as well. oh nonononoNONOONO! NOT AGAAAAINNN!!!!

Ihave to start putting myself through the scenario where I'm rejected from all the uni. that's very very very sad. I dont want! stttttoooooooooopid ! I dont want to go private institutes...i dun wan this and dun wan that....I think i do not know what I really want.and I'm very unhappy about my situation, still waiting and procrastinating away and not wanting to be reminded of the harsh reality in the society

=(

it has been a long wait

2010-05-01T21:46:00.002+08:00

weather: slightly breezy
mood: good

I'm very excited cos I'm gonna have dim sum with family to celebrate daddy's birthday. I love to hang around with my family on sundays that I'm not working or stupid things like rushing through las min homework.

I should reflect upon myself huh...getting real impatient with guests lately. I did try to mask my frustration in front of them but it's not doing any good to myself if I get all pissed with them everyday. I should be more understanding lor... no one with the intent of playing at the themepark will be interested to make things difficult for people righttt? ok I'll be a kind girl from next week onwards.

I was tasked to entertain the guests during the downtimes these 2 days. it's so challenging to do that when everyone has a black face. I didn't exactly do a good job but hey....i managed to break the silence for about 15 mins leh. I've thought of better things to say over the pa system in the future over dinner alr. hahaha...
D: the thought of attracting the attention of all the residents of far far away through the pa system is still very scary...especially...when I'll be making unprofessional impromptu comments. I don't mind if they sounded really lame and lousy....as long as the guests felt that least bit of entertainment? ok lah...I really witnessed an angmoh looking up to me and laugh.:D don't wanna know what were they thinking though.....har har!

kbox $8 promotion is extended to the end of june !

2010-04-30T00:16:00.003+08:00

hihi I've just settled down not too long ago. Checked inbox and fb as usual. after scanning through people's wall post, I found out that another friend of mine has received the uni acceptance leter. this time it's delia. she has gotten into nus science with an abc. :)
proud of her and worried for myself at the same time.
gawd....will my turn ever comeeee???

met up with meiyen, germaine and mr er this evening at jp for dinner. what a good laugh I had. I love such meetups...hope that they would happen frequently. :D

I wished for a day when I can sing all day long with my most comfortable key.
hey I really wonder if my neighbour can hear me from my bathroom...?:s

music and passion were always the fashion

2010-04-27T22:46:00.002+08:00

weather:getting better
mood: good

I work in a fictitious (in the most straightforward form) environment.the people aren't exactly real. ie. I'm not an elf flight attendant, really. and I may not be that kind and courteous to the same guests in real life. everything is a product of incentives, technology, cement,sand and concrete....except for the sky and insects. is that why we can never delude ourselves bcos they are everywhere? the weather will never always be fairytale-like kind to us and you are never too far away from a cockroach.

that is what I like about personal blogs. I talk about things that people around me aren't usually interested over here. cos I dont like to discuss issues with people that will potentially turn them off. if you have alr read, congratulations (to me), thank you for understanding me. :)

I'm starting my 3-day week next week. but I haven't found a job yet !!!!! hahaha maybe i'm not supposed to tire myself out. So I'm gonna enrich my life with other stuff instead. like...pick up more reads (yes i know , i've mentioned this many times but i didn't start on that), sign up for yoga classes.....lol

more and more people are getting themselves an iphone ! why?! I wouldn't want to spend so much on a gadget that is black and common. hahah furthermore, I can't imagine myself having a phone with so many functions...i know la, I'm old-fashioned.

ok goingto sleep.
weather is very hot.

hi how many of you?

2010-04-25T22:20:00.002+08:00

weather: cloudy
mood: good

I've been spending a significant amount of time with the babies living diagonally opposite of us. this afternoon they tagged along with my parents to send me off to work.we visited the helix last evening...and had dinner at liang seah st last sunday.
kids and tots and babies and kids!! I see them everyday ! Never in my life was I required to communicate with them all the time. I don't have any younger sibling and my cousins are either around my age or much older than me... Now I realise that it's not easy to be senior-responsible. I dunno how to put that properly lar..
that brings me back to think about the role of adults again.
so tough to be an adult.I want to be a teenager foreverrrr.....so much more room for mistakes and excuses =p

nap nap

2010-04-23T15:46:00.002+08:00

weather:v hot
mood:okay
next off day in 5 more days

I went to visit sinseh 2 few ago to treat my feet. doctor said that the balls and heels of my feet are inflamed due to my long standing hours and the poor cushioning of my shoes. to make worse, I tip toe all the time. =/ I've finished half of my medicine already. well at least today when I got off from the bed and placed my weight on my feet, it wasn't as painful as the previous days.I hope it will continue improving!

8 more days to the month of may. I haven't received a call from smu :(
no letters from nus and ntu either..... nobody wants me. meow.

channel 61 showing nice horror movie tonight. I'm gonna catch it.

oh oh oh oh ! makes me wanna dance !

2010-04-19T22:49:00.002+08:00

weather: thunderstorm
mood: laughable

we experienced the worst weather at the park today. Due to the heavy downpour cum lightning in the evening, enchanted was closed early. far far away is really beautiful at night. the drizzle looked like snow when the streetlights shine upon them. I would have danced my way home if...that road leads me to my house. harharhar!

I love luncheon meat. DO YOU? :)

I feel like going for high tea after work tmr since I'm rarely released at 3pm.

sorry we're closed for the day

2010-04-17T23:10:00.003+08:00

more circle line stations are opened today ! I've never tried travelling via circle line yet. maybe one day...when I feel like roaming around aimlessly.

I miss the fruits in Thailand. So sweet and juicy and cheap. and theres plenty of them. they are included in every meal. I wanna eat dragonfruit moo.

I decided to invest in kawaii tokyo again. :) I'm happy ! cos it smells good and it so far it works well. the product claims to have an aroma therapeutic effect. maybe I will feel less of those lousy emotions.

alright I am sleepy. I'm turning in soon !

LET'S GO

2010-04-14T22:26:00.002+08:00

weather: hot
mood:good

omg omg omg! 1 more day to off !!!!!

I took a ride at King Julien's in this afternoon with the rest and realised how lively this merry-go-round can get. Well I don't feel that much exhilaration from the attraction when I'm doing my part as a crew personel. Maybe all of us should be guests to the park more often, so that we can appreciate the place as much, and even more than the visitors.

anw, I had so much in the park after I knocked off from work just now. haahahha....so tired and my legs are really sore. hey and I really want to make my calf muscles become smaller leh. have I mentioned that I wanna get the foot massager thing?

I can't wait for my hair to dry so that i can sleep then i can faster wake tmr and spread newly bought tuna on my bread. I haven't eaten tuna with mayo since last dec (am I too specific?). and I can start booking driving lessons for the whole of june tmr ! :)

I think about oreo everytime I step into the breakrm

2010-04-13T22:50:00.003+08:00

weather: rainy
mood: good

I've sent out more job resume but got rejected for the first round. nvm, I'll try again. The objective is to do as much things as possible, meet new people and gain more experience during this precious vacation. btw, I'm not intending to resign from my current job. I can't bear to lah. I was previously damn depressed .. You know how sometimes everything just makes you angry. no it's not just pms. I could understand why I was so upset but at least for ytd and today, I'm more at ease...

two more days to my off day ! planning to catch a movie! :)

it's already the 13th of April. I have yet to receive any call/mail from any of the uni. I might...............................wanna consider overseas studies. I heard that theres an aus health sciences seminar coming up in may.

I'm not working this sunday too ! I'm overjoyed...seriously. I'm planning to tour sentosa and resorts world with my family.
well from may onwards, I'll onlybe working on monday, wednesday and friday!!!!!! ;) I promise I will always be fresh and happy at work.

first step to happiness: APPLY LEAVE NOW! .........really?

2010-04-08T22:06:00.002+08:00

weather: very hot (you would have realised that I have limited weather vocabulary)
mood: a lil high

wah today's weather is soooooo hot....so hot such that it's comparable to the thailand's weather. tsk. made me sweat like a pig when I walked home from town this EVENING.

I've made up my mind. I'm not gonna give full availability in the 7-day week for the month of may onwards. It isn't as rewarding as I thought to be so committed to a....casual job. work 3 days, teach 3 days, sing/play/idle for one day and those non-teaching/working hours. WAH PERFECT!
I wanna tutor p sch kids...then maybe gt excuse to buy seemingly useless but pretty things like stickers and stamps.OK ! i'm gonna look up for all these kids that are awaiting for my rescue now ! har har har ! I wanna spend more time with myself too. like what I'm doing now....singing and discovering more about my voice...lol I know that sounded quite gross. aiya..... hahaha... but my voice is really important to me. I need her to make myself being heard in the most expressive manner. so hor.......................................................i need to protect my lungs. next time, when I have the money....I will be ready to travel to nepal and there will be where I train my diaphragm. ok sorry...I'm talking rubbish.
digression aside, I wanna chill at some nice cafe like bakerzin...tcc.....once in a while. OH CAKES !! I LOVE CAKES!!!!
I want to have a nice evening walk when I'm not tired too.... once I'm happy and have spent enough time with myself, I want to treat my family to a japanese buffet. :D then...start organising more proper outings with friends, ex-classmates.... yes! that should b the way !
first step to happiness: APPLY LEAVE NOW !

I don't know if I'm able to enjoy that much a not.......as I'm panicking about the Uni acceptance on the other hand. you know...there are people being called up for interviews everyday....and here I am...still aimless about what's gonna happen after june.

.

2010-04-07T20:52:00.002+08:00

weather:hot
mood:okay

I feel like having some donuts but people are commenting that I look skinnier now so I'm having second thoughts....hahahah!

siannnn.....fine, I'm gonna admit. my life is mundane. I'm doing the same things everyday, answering the same questions, giving the same instructions..... why do "the little things", like the different faces and inccidents, not making any differences to my everyday life?! I don't know why......

yawns...tired. going to sleep now. BTT tmr !

i love to nua

2010-04-05T22:09:00.002+08:00

weather: cloudy
mood: okay

I was scared of tall people for the first time in my 18 years of being soo shoort. Today there were a group of quarrelsome teenage angmohs who looked like giants to me.....boohoohoo...so big already still want to scold me.what happened was there were in the normal queue and I let the people in the express queue to go before them so they couldn't get the front seats. D= but haha actually that's nothing la. they were not that demanding after all....only expressed some frustration. but hey, for a moment, I was quite paiseh....cos ALL OFF THEM ARE OBVIOUSLY LOOKING DOWN AT ME while I was explaining how the express queue works.

k nuff of that. to think that angmohs tend to be more fun-loving than asians.... ok lah, it's still generally true.btw, I think hongkongers are pretty nice people. On the other hand, I know theres another group of people that always cause delays to our operations....hahaha

sigh the soles of my feet are painful s= is that a sign for me to take a break from work? I think I wanna buy a stool tmr....too much tiptoeing is really bad for the feet. =( I feel like getting lin zhi ling's favourite foot massenger from osim (or is it oto? i dunno lar....anything will do)

I feel like....having a picnic.

whoo hoo! I'm off tmr !!

2010-04-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

weather: no wind at all
mood: okay

I'm so excited! going partyword tmr! but before that I have to sit for my btt e-trials at cdc in the morning. okay...maybe I'll kinda browse through my stuff after finishing this entry.

YAY I've finally completed all my uni application forms. hopefully there will be some response from them soon. hah....

Till then, there is nothing for me look forward. uhhhh....ok maybe yes. my driving lessons. hahaha....

whaat else should I do besides driving and working uh? meow. I dunno leh.

back from thailand for 2 days

2010-03-26T22:29:00.002+08:00

weather: humid
mood: D=

resumed with work on the next day after arriving in sg. how was the trip? yes it was very fruitful cos there were plenty of good buys. but honestly, I think that place is quite a depressing land. I've come across ah guas, elephants, beggars, vendors, driver, driver's kid (basically, the civilians la)... at some point in time, I really sympathise them. something is very wrong about the place... it's very much poverty-stricken.

I'm not sure if I will go there again. shopping at thailand is very addictive though..

siannnnnnnnnnnnn i'm so sian!

today an angmoh woman who doesn't speak fluent english scolded me for not being clear . =(
and...i don't get to see the people i want to see also.

stupid day.
weather so hot somemore.

=|

2010-03-14T23:10:00.001+08:00

weather: cool
mood: ohkay

there was a 50% discount at one of our cafes after park had closed today. so happy cos I bought alot of things! can't wait to taste a bit of mango cheesecake and gingerbread man. not now cos...it's late at night alr...it's so cheap such that I feel like buying everything that's left on the shelf back home for family. but I was a bit paiseh to carry the food to the break room. later people say I'm auntie again. sigh. I certainly hope that such a opportunity comes back all the time !

grrr shit. it becomes a headache whenever i think of my university admission. cos there seems to be so many things to do done. and I have not finished yet. and I'm leaving sg for thailand in 2 days time till next tue. and I have to miss the senior-junior networking session at mica. I feel like going for that...seems really useful for aimless people like me.

working days getting more exciting as I get to interact with more guests. I really like my uniform cos that's what that make people wanna take picture with us. hehe...

= shian

hey..btw this is something kinda random. I find it so mysterious to know people that have some...unspeakable "outside life". I always wonder what do a few of my colleagues do besides working. They are so unlike an average fresh a lvl graduate and I believe that is the only category of people that can live idly without worrying much....

late night reflections

2010-03-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

maybe I'm not that mature after all and haven't been thinking hard about life. but after working here, my world had kinda opened up a lil. cos there are so many people with diversified backgrounds and working experiences, so many different routes people choose to take in life!

people have been telling me that somehow a university cert isn't that significant in the working society......... of course I can't understand how true can that statement get. but I guess, it's always safer to just put in your best effort in whatever opportunity that comes along the way.

and having an ambition is good. it is also no doubt a frequently asked question and I've never given a clear answer but at the same time I don't sound exactly aimless. realistically, I see myself as an OL in the future. don't say I boring or unambitious lehhhh....but turning up prettily at the office everyday sounds good to me. ok lah...that's very superficial. sometimes I do fantasise about myself being a doctor (both the hospital and clinic kind), teacher, researcher, some..random bitchy manager....lol. so it's not that I don't have a dream, it's just that I'm not so persistent about pursuing them. anw if you ask me what I want in life........ i just want to have a successful career (meaning uh..being happy at work, having relatively good post, ohkay income), a cute husband, kids and be pretty. too bad if you think I'm too simple-minded. I don't see why we should trouble ourselves with so much complicated goals in life. anw, those are subjected to changes lah....hahaha....

so maybe what I'm doing in uni doesn't directly affect what I'll be doing in the future also....hur hur hur hur.

btw, reporting back to work on wed. damn shuang these days. =D

thinkin about life

2010-03-06T23:31:00.002+08:00

weather: cool
mood: sian

I made a trip down to smu for it's open house this afternoon and then it got me thinking about my tertiary education for the whole day. I was pretty excited initially about hopes of getting into a local university. then just a while ago, I suddenly became a lil upset that I have to part with sciency subjects....bcos I can't get into any of them. =( WHY?! why can't I study them just because I'm lousy?! k lah.. that was quite stupidly expressed. I get so thrilled whenever I get to think so thoroughly and grasp those concepts. I just want to continue learning.............but very likely, i may not turn out to be that much of a contributive medical professional next time....cos maybe...lower interllect, less hardworking,slower, cannot do maths...etc. tsk....
then some of you may suggest overseas if i'm really very passionate to pursue health sciences or sth liddat...I don't know ...I still think that the idea of leaving my home behind for years is so far-fetched. sorry...too pampered over here alr.

I'm really not ready for University. suddenly, I have to think so seriously about my career...
currently, I have a limited variety of choices. I'm making do with whatever I'm eligible for and hope that I get into either of them. I'll be very grateful if I really do, given my bad grades. but hor the feeling of being so deprived of choices is kinda....sad. I know, i really know that to a very large extent it's totally fair for higher scorers to have better,wider, more convenient choices.

I'm so upset....I'm not grumbling about my grades here. I'm so upset because my world is so small. My life is going to be dictated by 3 prospectus books and only 2 or 3 pages of that 2cm book is relevant to me. I don't know if this should be right at all.....but everyone i know that is in the same boat as me are doing likewise.

a new stage!

2010-03-05T21:22:00.002+08:00

weather: clear
mood: feverish (ok not really a type of mood...but I feel more feverish than any other emotion)

I've finally collected my results today.
b for bio, c for chem.................and a DEEEEEE for maths.

I was quite sure that I didn't know how to do only four questions in my math paper 1 and quite okay for paper 2 and I have to be slapped by a donkey for a levels.
OH WHYYYYY? what did I do to deserve such little talent for maths?!!! I have been failing math regularly since primary 5 and until now I still can't do mental sums properly.
hur hur hur.......

anw those are lousy grades. but I'm quite grateful that they are there too. cos you know.....I failed everything during prelims. D=

yes! i'm moving on ! officially on a vacation from now till......a local institute kindly accepts me.

am I going to graduate successfully?

2010-02-23T20:54:00.002+08:00

weather: breezy
mood: slightly uncomfortable

my trainee showed some disinterest today. I'm not sure if I'm doing a bad job or not. I mean I did try my best and also not teach her like a newbie cos the shes not exactly new. maybe I was really boring. :/ really meh? I don't find myself boring leh. at least I don't get bored with myself all the time. I guess people can't appreciate me enough that's why. too bad luh...not obliged to please this girl also...hah. sorry uh, suddenly become so defensive.

take care wc at brunei forest !
hes arriving sg on my results day.

shit! results !

kk sleeping now.
was so sleepy in the day. =(

watching drama!

2010-02-22T21:07:00.002+08:00

weather: breezy
mood: neutral

I'm currently uploading pictures I've long accumulated at workplace to facebook. I can finally do so now cos the park is finally facing the world and everybody else is posting pictures too. :)

first day of training was okay. I wanna do more of those things ! hope I can bring more newbies around next week.

cute retail guy working opposite of me has a really nice smile but he smokes. D= stop smoking lah. smokers these days are pathetic....pay so much still nvm, can only feed their addiction at stupid places like the dustbin area within a radius of 1m, smoking areas are also located near rubbish collection point and animal relief areas...as if they're not smelly enough.

finally had dinner at home! so happy :)

it's mid feb

2010-02-22T00:02:00.002+08:00

I had a good break over the cny hols that I've requested to be off from work. jie jie said I grew fatter alr. actually I also know la just that the opinions from others is more affirmative to me. I also had some chats with my relatives on my further studies... btw theres less than 2 weeks to the time when I finally have to give really serious thoughts about that.

this week had been a busy week due to the evening previews in the park and I had been reaching home late =/ I'm very happy today cos I finally bought the food I had always wanted to buy for my family. not fantastic but those money are bound to be spent so I'm really proud to have spent my money on my family. I still have some items in mind that I wanna buy from the park though. :D

having class bbq next sun ! very excited ! :D

ever since I've started work here, I'm always shocked by people (their backgrounds, perspectives of life etc...) shows how long I've been living in the well. anw I really appreciate the enchanted people! I'm so lucky...

I will be attached to my first trainee tmr. I should sleep now! goodnight ;)

=(

2010-02-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

weather: breezy
mood: moody

omg ! it's cny eve tmr! I have so much things to do tmr morning. and here I am still not sleeping cos my hair is still wet.

I dunno what to say here also. ok going to sleep. bye bye

helloz

2010-02-09T23:41:00.002+08:00

weather: breezy
mood: relaxed

I feel so fat. I'm eating everything that's being offered to me. pineapple tarts, chocolates, hello panda, bread... and I dunno why I just wanna try other people's food. damn greedy...i always wanna try a variety of food. OMGGG EVINA!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!

I feel like going to work when I'm off for quite some time but when I'm at work, I know that home is still the best place to be. hahaha

funny how some people can suddenly get significantly more attention from certain people. so behave yourself.

am i always talking about my work?

2010-02-08T22:52:00.002+08:00

I was told a few days ago that I've been selected to be a trainer! Honestly I'm pretty delighted that I'm finally doing something different.

I'm happy that I'm not working on cny !;)

bad days

2010-02-03T22:04:00.002+08:00

sian... I'm so unhappy with so many things.
I'm missing school so so sooo much. I miss 08s05 :( I miss azureen :((( I miss the feeling of seeing so many familiar faces everyday.

grrrr...everything is pissing me off. I swear I could have shouted some nasty remarks at my sister if I hadn't shut myself up voluntarily. I was really hopping mad, so much so that I could hear my heart thumping so hard when I stood still.
what's making me buaysong is that everyone else that knew is turning a blind eye to that and just expecting the mess to be somehow cleared up. sorry, I'm not gonna eat a humble pie and settle that obediently.cos obviously, shes the one that's being ridiculous.

btw I'm keeping track of my expenses very strictly cos I wanna hit a certain figure which I'm not gonna disclose here by the time I'm in uni (if I get in lah...hahha)

JJ NIGHT THIS FRIDAY !!!! and steamboat with enchanted people the next day. although I'm not exactly anticipating all the get-togethers with my colleagues but I will try my best for make it cus more team bonding has got to come.

goodnight all. I will make an effort to look smiley without smiling deliberately, otherwise people will think that I'm unfriendly, dao, fierce, old, grumpy, ...and other nonsense.

precious off days!

2010-01-31T01:24:00.002+08:00

I felt really gooooood today ! I'm finally off on my weekends !! :) weet weet ! baked cookies with mom and sister in the afternoon..that's why hor I exited my house in a rush lor, and without making it on time for dinner with ivan, tw , wc and eug.

we had humchimpeng from maxwell. had a hard time meandering thr the crowd in chinatown. poor ivan, perspired so much. lol. and then headed for katong laksa. i know...we travelled alot. most people don't do that for meet ups. but i liked it leh. it seemed like a very fruitful day spent at many places.

then we took damn long to decide where to go next cos the night was still early and nobody seemed to be getting drinks or desserts..so ecp was our next destination. chat chat chat.
joy, it never lasts..... lol

I'm really learning how to treasure my times spent with my family and friends.
Oh! colleagues ! how much comfort can I get or provide them?

nights are getting cold

2010-01-30T01:24:00.002+08:00

today was so boring cos none of the vehicles was dispatched. all I rmb about today was this problem girl (correction shes not a girl, shes an auntie), the concentration games we played in the break room, role playing, ushering guests in the evening (and it was good ! my workplace makes an excellent venue for evening strolls :) )

btw I think I've gathered quite an interesting statistic- 2 in 10 women are likely to be lesbians. my view on homosexuality? actually I don't have a firm stand on it yet. but I still find the idea of knowing people who are homosexuals to be hard to swallow...

I finally have my weekends off ! gonna spend some quality time with myself, family and friends :) happy happy !

don't hit the threshold levels

2010-01-28T22:41:00.003+08:00

I like the way how some games conceptualise interpersonal relationships. sometimes they may simplify to a meter bar to represent how much this person like another person. so if this person pisses someone off once, that meter bar will drop a bit. and then you gotta take note of the thresholds of different people.

it's so simple and very real actually !

23 days old at work

2010-01-27T21:20:00.002+08:00

it has been quite a busy week for enchanted as more (internal) guests are coming in. honestly i'm far more shy and unconfident of approaching strangers that what I thought myself to be.
but so far, I'm quite proud of my performance esp. since I don't consider myself as someone who is witty and eloquent.

now what I need to do is to think of more lines and more more practices!!!! :)

my team members are so active and sporty...they're meeting up to .................................................................................play basketball.
anw we are planning for morning jogs before work starts in the future. that one, i will consider seriously and try my best to join them!

and as of today, I'm 23 days old!!!! and people call me by so many names omg !.... chenyufen!!!, evian, short short, sugi (sugeeeeeeee) i had to wear that mock name tag and they thought that the name suits my face. -_-

i know this sounds sick but i miss hearing people calling me chubbyna or chubby or chubby baby, though they arent very true.

can't allow my life to be stagnated

2010-01-24T23:06:00.002+08:00

yes! by now you should have realised that nothing exciting is going on in my life right now.
my job is exciting only when there is actual ridership...if not everyday I'll just be working unmeaningfully. anyway i've just decided that imma start my driving lessons only in march ;)
so february will be another month of work and not forgetting...cny !!!!

how? I feel so very empty...I just feel that I should do something else besides working cos I'm so detached from my social life. I think i should do some enrichment course..learn dancing or yoga or complete my grade 8 piano or sth cos I don't think I've improved myself in any way.

omg omg omg !!!!!....i seriously need to date some people this weekend cos I'm finally off on a weekend!

ok i know...i need to pick up some books to read. the reason why I'm so unhappy is bcos ......I'm very air-headed nowadays. booo

hello baby

2010-01-23T22:50:00.003+08:00

not gonna blog about what happened today in detail cos it;s too embarrassing to tell to many people. I feel so stupid.

and this is the first time i feel the pinch of not contacting my friends for a long time and haven't hung out much with my family...i tell you, times have changed.

oh whennnn is cny gonna commeeeeee??????

off- day :)

2010-01-23T00:12:00.002+08:00

hello... I have been posting entries that are not very pleasant to the ears lately. shall do sth more light-hearted today.
tell you what am I gonna do tmr then.

hahaha.

wake up at 9am and reach vivo by 10pm to make some money transaction.
I'm aiming to start queuing for food by 1pm before the waiting time gets onto my nerves. take away some food for family cos heavily discounted food always tastes soooo good!
leave house and head towards jj. hopefully can reach by 5pm. and then mass dance doesn't end so soon. cos I'm missing mass dances very much. I wonder who am I meeting in school tmr. I wish to be surprised by who I'm seeing. hahaha.... I think I should be leaving jj by about 9pm so that I can go look for cute planners at artbox. this is urgent ar...gotta settle this asap cos feb is arriving soon and my planner will only be 11/12 utilised.

oh what a packed schedule i have !

mental menaces

2010-01-21T20:05:00.002+08:00

so cranky these days. sometimes when I look back at my previous posts, I can't understand exactly why I wrote those. I gotta think through all the events that had happened first before empathizing with the past me.

I kinda feel bad for so much discrimination that has been going on. discrimination towards an elite, elderly, smart alec, person with attitude problem.... sure, they have their faults but why do all the negative vibes suddenly become amplified? and gossips are becoming more and more unethical!why can't I be more kind-hearted like what people who live in the castles are thought to be!

I seriously need to manage those incoming negative thoughts, if not I will never feel like I once had an enchanting stay in the far far away.

sleep sleep i love to sleep

2010-01-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

what am I doing at this hour man?! I should be sleeping! I'm sooooo exhausted! but damn I'm sending lotsa pictures to my leader via EMAIL. omg.....shit man needa finish my tonight and I've got no zipping programme!!!! WHY THE HELL DID I VOLUNTEER TO DO THIS?! so kaypoh for what..... i really want to sleep asap.

I know I sound kinda weird here....

btw I'm looking forward to going back to JJ. I miss schooooollll! I feel like dancing alr ^ ^mass dance mass dance !!!! makes me so so so high!!

I don't understand what's so appealing about girls who pretend to be always crazy...( always giggle, never engage in any serious conversations...) That's lame and attention-seeking.
kay i should stop being so bitchy but it irritates me when people discuss about how cute this type of girls are. CUTE YOUR HEAD! dont be mistaken. I'm not sore about it. I'm just reenforcing my stand that I'm against such disgusting kind of "cuteness" lor....
This is certainly a very childish post and ironically, I'm insisting that people on that side are v shallow!!!

post a levels blues

2010-01-14T17:22:00.003+08:00

There is still something that comes back to me every now and then. That is my results!!!! Although I've drifted away from that topic for quite some time , I'm still always reminded of that ! people ask about it, I meet people that are waiting for results too almost everyday, some of my a level resources are still around...

honestly, I'm scared bcos I don't have any concrete plans for my future yet. shit. I'm not even confident enough to dream and anticipate things. By browsing through the university websites make me feel worse. but I don't think I've let myself down last year so retaking my a levels this year would be my least preferred option cos it won't make much difference.

It's 14 Jan. I tell you the day's gonna come very soon.

so much for hating stigmatization of students that had records of "not making it" when I, myself is guilty of such as well.

I think the day when I'm no longer feeling bad for my lousy results ( that is if I really get that for the upcoming one) will be when I've convinced myself this kind of judgement is fallacious. sigh it's an entirely different matter as to merely disregard them..

work reflections

2010-01-14T00:38:00.003+08:00

SM Lee waved at me while he was seriously immersed in his evaluation of the park. wow I'm so lucky!

I still don't feel quite bonded to my team members so I decided join 2 of my colleagues to chill out at vivo after work.my preferred style of socialising is still in a smaller group. Hate hanging around with big groups of people, especially when I don't know them well. It makes me feel so out of place and awkward when I don't respond well erm according to the group dynamics. You know, the obligation to think of something good to say. In the past, that wasn't much of a problem for me. cos those "big groups of mine" were tasked to work something out, something that I'm quite familiar or enthusiastic about and that I would love to initiate things confidently.
But this one! it's just...tagging on and trying to catch up with the more senior ones. How come I don't feel like I need to take up some larger responsibilities ar? like improving working environment or brainstorm for more things...etc. I'm so confused by what I'm thinking and saying.

I think there is a problem with me. I may not be taking enough initiatives but I've alr tried to observe as much things as I can. I told myself not to be blur so that being unknowingly slack will not be my excuse anymore. I have been very curious about my working environment by questioning alot. but why is there nothing substantial i can do?

man i really need more team bonding time if not i'll be lagging behind very much. i need to know more more MORE! and omg.....I need more time to interact with a person before learning how to sustain a conversation with him/her. why are such things becoming more difficult for me? am I becoming less sociable or are the people around me becoming.....less interesting...such that I'm forced to think of a way to sustain the conversation. hey I wish everyone knows how to appreciate silence that breaks out once in a while. sometimes it's a form of communication also lor cos it allows time for the people to reflect about the other party they're talking to. so to people who are not patient with these silent instances, they will reduce the number of times they talk to you in the future. and then people like me will be having alot of confusing thoughts.

I have to literally catch up with them in order to be engaged in their conversations simply bcos they always walk so fast ! I dont know whyyyyyy !!!! I really don't like to talk and walk so fast at the same time. I only walk fast when I'm in a rush or feeling a lil frustrated and under such circumstances, I wouldn't be talking. then at other times, I would rather stroll.

grumbles aside, I'm still a proud member of the enchanted team. :)

excitement

2010-01-09T12:22:00.002+08:00

I'm on a graveyard shift tonight and tmr again!!! lol i hope i assigned to the same supper break as the guy who shares a lot of gossips...hahahaha !

ok!I'm gonna help out with the love letters now! and aim to nap for 3 hours before reporting to work later ~ ^^

btw I gotta wear uniform for the first time next week. SUPER DUPER EXCITED!!!!

sleepy

2010-01-06T22:21:00.002+08:00

maybe you should ignore my previous post. it must have been due to my grumpiness lol. I had a part to play in those "aloofness"too. I think I was kinda non-responsive to what one of the team leaders is saying most of the times...do you think it's my problem? cos i can't comprehend what shes talking about on many occasions.
there are a few of them that address me by my chinese name cos they don't rmb my english name !!!! why are they so weird ar? considering that they're like....uni graduates.....

haiya...i think i'm going to sleep again. goodnight !

i'm working!

2010-01-05T13:12:00.002+08:00

3 days of work and today's the fourth ! I like my workplace cos it's so pretty and I'm hearing fantasy music and the vehicle rumbles everyday at my station. and have i told you that i like the smell of construction sites? lol....now you see I'm really enjoying myself.
everything seems ohkay to me except for the people. generally nice people...but i can't see them anything more than just colleagues. this is the first time I felt like this when I meet new people.
I dunno if this is just me being too judgemental or it's just the culture over there. everyone chats about work-related stuff. even if it's a joke..it's like sth gt to do with our job. i think asking each other for their age is the most exciting question. is this how work life is supposed to be? nobody should not reveal nor probe too much into each other's lives?
i know this is going to make me sound like a attention seeker but i feel like nobody is interested in me at all ! and i wasnt too quiet what...i've tried to extend the conversation to other things but it didn't work. maybe i'm not good at socialising also...=( but that's what I've been doing for all my schooling years....and people were responded genially. I feel bonded to them and love them and i believe they like me too....oh well. I will continue soon!
I'm on for a graveyard shift tonight.
but I'm meeting azureen firsttt ! :)))))))
seeya!

HAPPY 2010!

2010-01-04T00:10:00.003+08:00

Hi everybody! a very happy new year to you. I don't have any new year resolutions . I just want to live peacefully until the results are out. So far I've started the year 2010 with the things I want to do which were hard to achieve for the past years. I had a sumptuous family feast at home, also sang until quite shiok at partyworld with wc tw ivan and eugene. I'm not always satisfied after singing you know. like when songs got cancelled, got chased out of room, air con too cold, tidbits too little etc...but i think most importantly is to be able to sing the songs you want to sing. I think we all have a common pool of sufficient favourite songs? i only know that i'm very very happy to have this group of people ard!

xmas eve 2009

2009-12-24T15:27:00.002+08:00

hello! I've been busy clearing sleep debt and learning new songs. I want to go singing again ASAP !!!! (when I'm not so broke lah, it will really be good if I can go somewhere freee...where there is unlimited singing hours) time spent at karaoke rooms is always so precious.
and I'm still waiting for work to staaarrrrrtt...omg. cos there are so many things waiting for me to do after I've confirmed my workshifts. arrrrggghh
don't know why is the wind not carrying any christmas smell anymore...=( I don't feel christmasy at all.

errr new blogskin, new beginning?

2009-12-19T23:40:00.002+08:00

I've became more fussy about blogskins. Despite being usually attracted to fanciful/cutesy/colourful items, I still have a whimsical side of me that loves simple and earthly-looking things. I needed a skin that is quite calming, doesn't excite me much. At the same time, I shouldn't deprive myself of looking at pretty things! Sometimes I really do have a lot of arguments with myself. Actually my point is, my current ideal skin should be pretty in a mellow way where majority of it will be covered by my words. It used to be anything that appeals to me, the practicality wasn't even part of my considerations. So the past skins I've used are mostly ....cute ones. made me look obviously like a teenybopper. (but actually, I've never once considered myself as a teenybopper. really................... don't like. )

anw, the year's coming to an end already. perfect time to make time for family and friends. In the meantime, I don't want to be indulged in a fun and frivolous lifestyle which I've all along been doing for most part of my life cos I get carried away easily when I'm out. I feel that so far there is no breakthroughs in my life, or is my memory failing me? which shouldn't be the case since they should be able to impact me for the rest of my life. I've decided to venture into an area to work on my mind.

I'm turning religious.

something I've been skeptical, ignorant and not taking initiative to find out more.

btw I haven't thought of what to replace those french words yet. shall leave it there for the time being, since they make this look classier.

i want to go to school

2009-11-30T20:43:00.003+08:00

I've gt a job interview! interviewwww this saturday!!!! I'm very excited lehhhhhhhhhh........! tell you more when I'm confirmed for the job. ;)

guess what I've been doing these days?

I'm having so much fun mansssss..... I loveeeeeeee harvest moon wiiiiiii..heehehehe... so addictive.

and I've settled for my prom dress! thankssssss to lotsa people.....hehehehe.... and I caught a super duper good charity concert over the weekends......hohoho! and and I've just been to botanic gardens with my family for an outdoor feast ytd! yipppeeeee...!

but i feel like i've been in my own world for too long. kinda lost in touch with...sch and sch stuff....hur hur hur hur. I miss school too. I miss attending lessons :(

I think the one and only final last chance for me to connect with the school is to start to do my bio mcqs NOW!

1 more to go !

2009-11-23T21:34:00.003+08:00

what a stupid idea to be crushing on someone. took me so much to muster my courage for just a few clicks. it didn't benefit me in any way thereafter. no, it didn't make me feel any better than shopping just now. now my mind is just floating ard...waiting for the stupid emotion to be neutralised somehow. asidhailsduhasudghaiosudgasiudg!!!!

bio p3 and chem p1 are over. no sense of accomplishment today. perhaps I wasn't even anticipating this day to come in the first day. but uh........they were oriteeee lah.

actually it was just a lazy way to put it. cos deep in my heart, I don't feel good about them at all. oh welllll.....they shouldn't be too bad either

i shall not dwell into those stupid things. got more impt things to do like do bio tys for the second time for paper 1! settle down on a prom dress! go granny's hse (to inform her about outing)! go ntuc to buy food !

ya la..... you want to say auntie is it.

3 more to go!

2009-11-17T13:16:00.003+08:00

wahhh....I'm very happy now. feasting my ears on my latest earworms. now you see how much time can I possibly spend online?! I usually go online for lousy reasons like accept friend requests at fb, reply wall posts, visit the usual sites ie. fb, blogs.....ya. AND THAT'S ALL ! Blogging and going wiki are probably the most meaningful activities I do on the net. why liddat?! I can spend so little time online yet I feel need to on my computer regularly.

I see how the internet appeal (to me) has declined over the years. I rmb when I was first introduced to my first online game-neopets (it's a childhood game) by delia & co., I was hopelessly addicted to it. can't imagine myself living that kinda lifestyle now. EAT AND STARE INTO THE SCREEN AT THE SAME TIME FOR THE WHOLE DAY! and I wasn't even doing anything fabulous at neopets. I spent most of my time decorating my shop and at the forum. then there was habbo hotel...gunbound lol. I was equally hooked to msn as well. cos back in the good old days, i would chat with my crush over msn afterschool yo....hehehe.

NOW, I'm not even at the least bit technologically connected to ze current one and i can't seem to sustain my interest in a single online game for more than 2 days. oh oh but don't get me wrong. did that sound like a complain? no lah...I wasn't complaining....

ytd I read an old article from readers' digest on the power of smile. why do I seem to be always conceiving new information from old articles I've read so many times? digressing, this is really an important lesson I've learnt in jc (more specifically, jc2). anw, according to the article, the ability of human beings to smile is an evolutionary advantage. what an interesting concept! so i think it goes like this:

in the ancient times, there were people who can smile and people who are born not to smile. the ones that can smile get to seduce and reproduce and pass on their favourable trait to the offsprings. hence, only people who know how to smile can have sex. over time, the entire human population is capable of producing facial expressions!

actually the basis behind that is that smile connects people lah which i strongly agree.

but i dun understand! why are there people who don't smile and can still look so pretty????!!!! and I look half asleep when i don't.

I'm planning my schedule for dec and jan really soon cos activities are flowing in... =D

top priority: secure a part-time job

I'm also organising a sentosa outing for my family on next next week! If possible, an overseas trip early next year!

miss ending the entry with a mysterious (sometimes meaningless) love quote.

............................(yada yada) and today I'm officially missing you. *winks*

idiotic me

2009-11-15T19:31:00.004+08:00

shit i'm very distracted by i dunno what. i want to slap myself. haven't done anything much yet.

and i dunno what to do either... =( not staying long on the comp cos i also dunno how to spend my time online ! what the helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll....... maybe imma sleep abit later tonight. you know how working late in the night makes one gain greater sense of urgency. i dunno...will see how things go. sleeping late is still against my principles...but i like doing that once in a while. *rolls eyes*

7 out of 11 papers were alr down in 4 scarce days

2009-11-13T15:20:00.004+08:00

The long awaited weekends are here! I can finally sleep like a happy baby. :) really very happy leh! those 7 consecutive papers have been exhausting my neurons and poor right hand. I've always feel that it's unfair for my right hand to be the one working the most, yet it's the uglier looking one compared to my left hand. hahaha.... life is just full of many of such cruel realities. heh. but i love my hands (fingers) cos they can type pretty fast (i think) =p.

actually I'm very tired now. I'm just waiting for time to pass so that it's will be night time and I can sleep cos if I'm going to nap now...all the disrupted biological clock nonsense will happen again. now you see why I don't burn the midnight oil and I no longer believe in it.

anyway I truly envy babies for being able to sleep so blissfully. They can sleep so easily, wake up without feeling grouchy. and I wonder what do they even dream of. let's say if it's a nightmare, I think the most frightening is just a monster chasing after them that they've learnt from cartoons, not like a ruthless kidnap or what. oh wait, I don't think they know much about movements since they're quite stationery. so what exactly can scare them har? oh but maybe they can picture themselves being wrapped in a towel as the monster picks them up. so cute hor? we think that they're the most vulnerable yet I can't think of anything that can scare them. The more I think about it, the more fascinated I get. I don't think they cry everyday just because they get frightened so easily. Do they even understand the feeling of fear? I'm talking about fortunate babies that can see their mommy everyday. hahaha... now I really think babies are generally happy everyday. then back to the point, what do they dream about?! simple joy like meeting new enormous sized people that would love to cuddle them? more cute furnitures?new toys to entertain them?there are clearly many more reasons for them to be happy.

As we grow older, the number of things that we fear increases too. I think we should all think like a baby to stay happy.

So how did I do for my papers so far? I'm not pinning too high hopes on any of them but they shouldn't cause too much problem, except for surprise surpise ....Chemistry. She is in a real danger. but it's alright cos that was just paper 3. There are more marks to be earned in the next 2 weeks. Chem p1 and p2, Bio p3 and p1 to be cleared before the proper closure of my jc life (hopefully).

I have to include this since it had to happen conveniently ytd when I sat for both my chem p3 and history. I set off in high morale as I was quite energetic and was greeted by a bright and enchanting chirp of good luck. Unfortunately, the day didn't turn out to be as smooth-sailing as I thought it would be. Chem p3 was the most horrible chem paper I've ever done in my life. can you believe it? that was my a level script! it's so bad that it can might as well be considered as I've missed the paper. I felt terribly nauseous at the last 30 mins of the paper. Then there was a 4-hour break in between the 2 papers which allowed me to puke so much of my bile out for 4 times! I don't know why either...Zzz. no prior signs of discomfort except for the nausea. So I did nothing for history during the period but it was lucky in a way that all those that I've studied alr came out as essay questions ie. cold war and global economy. yes 2 only. and 2 cw and 2 ge questions came out ! woots! not that I've done very well for the essays (they lack details but if I wouldnt be able to finish if I write anything more) but I'm alr very grateful for that. I was most confident about the source-based question until I found out that I read the question wrongly after the paper. idiot. luckily luckily mr hendri said that my stands for SBQ are not as important as the stands for essays...so maybe maybe things won't turn out to be soooooo bad.

my classmate had withdrawn from a levels last week. I felt bad for him. I wonder how is he doing now. a levels is too overwhelming to worth not more than a virgin try.

It is only 5pm. I shall go sign up for twitter. no reason why I should be so technologically outdated.

a better than average day before a levels

2009-11-05T18:04:00.003+08:00

I feel good today! haven't been any happier than today since a long long time..because I finally got to interact with people besides my family members after another week of preparation. and on top of that, ms goh played a very important role of an excellent counsellor. she is ...definitely a woman you would want to envy. I don't know how to piece the descriptions of her into an introduction of her because she has revealed quite a fair bit of her personality during these few sessions of consultations with her and the problem is they all come in mutually exclusive snippets. So this bio teacher who doesn't even teach my class still remains as a nice and intriguing character.

anyway I'm glad that my morale has been bolstered at the finals before the start of a levels.

great :)

btw now I'm quite sure that I detest working in solitary for soooooooo long. siao one. a few days ago, (yes I can rmb so clearly) I threw my class' prom night tix receipts away. and I wonder why was there nothing to stop me.

ps. If the sun represents hope and warmth, then I'm certain that he was beaming at me this morning :D happy happy!

my shoulders are aching so badly =(

2009-10-17T19:48:00.002+08:00

Another significant day had just passed. It was the last day of classroom learning, morning assemblies (not for ytd due to the lightning alert), common breaks...nationwide colleges had their graduation ceremonies ytd but our JJ didn't have that sort. but it's okay. my love for JJ (not just the school, it's everything associated with it) still remains unchanged!

sad to say that not all people realise or rather, yet to be affected by the implications of that. can you believe it? I only met 8 out of 21 people (I meant those that I had enough time to properly interact with them) in my class ytd! true enough, they did come to school for a while but it was under a forced circumstance. we even had to resort to "bribing" them, in order to interest them to come to school. wth right?! eventually when we didn't carry out the plan, the majority disappeared. don't be mistaken, I'm not so bothered by that actually.ever since the day when I've learnt that these people (including my used-to-be-close friend) can get so self-centred at the expense of causing so much inconvenience to others, I knew that they can't be more than just acquaintances. anyway it's their problem, cos I'm very sure that they're going to hate themselves for not cherishing their last few jc days when one fine day, they start to reminisce about their good old days in the future.

on a brighter note, I'm proud to say that I have faithfully been coming to school, treasured the times with my schoolmates and sang the anthem everyday (except when I'm late and still panting away)! and I had fun with meiyen, sihui and cuifen last evening! lol thanks for staying back in school with me la. =)

cloo gloo blooooosss

2009-10-13T17:55:00.003+08:00

laughter makes a lot of difference to a day of mundaneness. laugh and I need to return to work.

thanks to the people I meet everyday, you all had made my daily reflection worthwhile.

hello baby

2009-10-10T18:43:00.002+08:00

It's exactly a month away from my first paper. Today was momentous cos I'll never get a chance to feel like having a one-month chance ever again and come to think of it, most people who are desperate always wish that they could have just one more month.

erm... what can I say? my worries are cumulative, the more practices I do the more insecure I get.

to hell with whoever that thinks that I won't make it. I still believe in myself.

and saturdays are boring. I wake up at a time when everyone else in the house is still snoring away. -_- Do my work and look forward to mealtimes. And now in the evening, there is only my mom and I, the rest had other activities outside. Someone ask me out on a Saturday once I'm free please !!!

stupid gloomy day

2009-10-06T19:23:00.002+08:00

I was on my way home on the train when a man (homosexual i presume) rushed out to the platform and yelled at everyone else inside the train that he likes *inserts a guy's name in chinese* instead of *inserts another male english name*. I don't know why...I thought that the scene looks really pitiful to me. you know, getting all insane because of his inflammable (gay) love. Maybe if this didn't occur today, I would have reacted differently like secretly mock at him or feel paiseh for him, anything that sounds more logical than empathising with the man.

shit I hate it. I hate to be so emotionally driven for the entire day. Can't believe that someone whom I dislike can make my heart pound so rapidly such that it's comparable to seeing my crush. well of course, the feelings associated are obviously disparate.

don't like don't like I don't like!!! don't like everything about you. It's like a combo of washing toilets and battling with a cockroach or whatever cockroach-look-alike insect!!!!!=(((

bang bang bang

2009-09-29T19:48:00.003+08:00

hello....I'm so sleepy when the new week starts bcos it's impossible for me to sleep for 8 hours or more. so frustrating. nothing much to add. nothing fantastic had happened. oh maybe have. there were a few outstanding compliments for my bowl-shaped fringe, amongst the many that had cringed and asked," WHY IS YOUR FRINGE SO SHORT?!". erm either that or I can sense them snickering away while they're talking to me. =( but it's okay. I still like it. sick of seeing the same type of bangs around in growing number of girls. =s

sleeping now

2009-09-17T21:01:00.004+08:00

boo...have been so restless ever since the week has started.

how's life? not too bad, didn't pass anything but besides that, everything else is fine. well, maybe just a lil more worried now. heh.

fret not, fret not.........hah.

I'm going to sleep now.

new found hobby

2009-09-11T07:29:00.000+08:00

I'M WAKING UP EARLY FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEEEEKKKK !!!!!! and without saying, I didn't sleep well again last night cos I get too excited just by daydreaming before I sleep but it's okay, I'd rather not have enough sleep on these days than to be feeling grumpy, tired, and a bit retarded on the first day of school. by then, I'll be advancing to phase B. So I must be kept in good condition before school reopens, before the whole vicious cycle of taking a nap that is as long as a sleep and then insomia at night and fatigue the next morning comes back and haunt me again.

anyway,I'm starting to fall in love with the kallang-marina park (10 mins walk away from my hse =p) I've just picked up a new hobby recently, that is to jog in the evening and then find my favourite spot and just laze ard. Even though that area is currently under heavy construction, many active people over there would have realised that beneath all those ugly metallic stuff, uh machines (what do you call that ar? a crane is it?) and foreign workers, tranquility still lies within the little park (soon to be expanded more into marina). I'm still puzzled over why is that so. Usually I'll be the first to cringe at the 'unsightly' things and complain about the foreign talent, but now I'm loving that place even more! Maybe cos of the fact that it's still resembles Singapore- an ever-growing Singapore !

I like to face the sea and stone. From what I've noticed ytd, I have been choosing the spot that is under the darkest region in the sky. It's really really a bliss to watch the evening sky turning a shade darker as I rest and open my eyes each time. I feel so happy for the sky as it is finally ceasing all its activities. you must have worked very hard in the day sky! Even the last few late birds were eager to go home, they sank into the horizon and disappeared. You know, that sky is somehow shaped like a shell of a cylinder bcos the concentrated dark part slowly spreads to the other brighter parts of the sky that is lit up by the newly constructed and ongoing-construction sites which were also surrounding where I was sitting. (Was that why the ancient people think that the sky was linear?) the Marina garden (forgot what's the exact name) was ahead of me, F1 track tgt with the flyer were behind me and barrage was diagonally opposite of me. I think the IR is just somewhere ard the proximity.and of course, the future marina reservoir was just a few steps away. dont you just feel like rolling across the black silk bed?

Wonder how is the park going to be like when the hustle bustle is being brought into effect. Maybe the place will just get more crowded.=\

aiya but I don't think I will stay out till so late anymore cos I've just gotten a stern warning from my family ytd.

but I still like the experience. A pity that I didnt discover such a beauty during my recovery lol. I needed a quiet and breezy place with only strangers very much what.