Monday, June 27, 2011
If you want it, come and get it.
The youth outing ytd had just conveniently marked the end of the first half of 2011. Will the destiny of my second half of the year be decided by the response from nus?
On many occasions in life, I feel like I’m allowing others to take charge of my own destiny, and on my part, I know what I want the outcome to be. This process of anticipating the suspense is…… a suffering.
From what I seeing, there are mainly 2 faults that contribute to this suffering. My laziness and narrow-mindedness.
I am once again, starting to rely on something for a pleasure that began without a reason and continuing without certainty… This reliance can bring me on a cloud nine and at the same time entangle my cardiac arteries.
In this case, I am lazy in many ways. I am lazy because I choose to wait, often have thoughts of not being good enough, not daring to make differences… As a result, I’m waiting for dunno-what-to-happen. WHAT’S NEW?
Today I’m drawing parallels between both external and personal issues from me. I want to do something about them…. before another 6 months come to an end again.
3:58 pm
Thursday, June 23, 2011
等等等等
我还真的等到满累的…
听说外国的月亮真的比较圆。
2:33 pm
Monday, June 20, 2011
like a lion
hello I’m so glad to be bringing good memories of camp lions home! so I got 2 out of 3 guesses on the venues of accommodation correctly.
guess which?
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2 nights at aloha changi chalet and the last night at kong meng san phor khar see monastery !
Other locations we went during the day were sembawang park, lower seletar reservoir, civil servant club @ changi, pasir ris park, former manjushri sec campus, esplanade park, lim chu kang park farm.
Bulk of the activities were runabout kind, the rest are motivational workshops!
I was a little intimidated when I first heard that it is a buddhist leadership camp because I was fearing that I might have to experience those electrifying or regimental kind of leadership camps again.. They were what I used to enjoy very much during my teenage years but I’m no longer interested in just leading the loudest cheer or being the most disciplined camper -.-
camp lions was different. It encouraged us to grow from within instead of putting on a strong facade of what a leader is supposed to be, which is parallel to what lama always says- “just be a better who-you-are”. I was so glad that nobody was there to force us to behave in a certain manner…. maybe cos the participants are relatively old already. The age group is about 16 to 20 ish.
okay i think most importantly, a leader has to be able to stand up and speak for yourself and the organisation. And in order to do so, one has to be clear-minded and believe strongly in what he is doing.
may everyone lead themselves out of their delusions and addictions!
10:02 pm
Monday, June 13, 2011
can you hear me?
can’t believe I’m meeting yen and the rest later and I’m muted by my sorethroat !!!! I might bring along some writing materials for dinner -.-
I’ll be away for a mysterious buddhist youth camp from this coming thu to sun. Judging from the way the organisers publicise it, it seems like the camp is quite xiong…. which I’m not very mentally prepared for. But still, I dunno what exactly am I expecting from the camp. The meeting point is in the north o.O actual venue is unknown. haha I wonder if we’re going to stay at a chalet, campsite or monastery. :> let’s see how lor hor…. It has been a long time for me to stay at a campsite btw…
I had an interesting weekend btw. I erupted in cold sweat under my blanket on friday night and experienced a burst of energy on my early saturday morning to poh ming tse together with alex. actually I was feeling quite unprepared… yet very grateful I could listen to so many teachings for the past 1 year. I’ve never dreamt that I’ll be representing a tibetan buddhist tradition today… And following the dharma quiz at PMT was my granny’s 88th birthday dinner. that was good food along macpherson road but unfortunately, I was suffering from a lousy appetite the whole day. I was looking through the pictures taken that evening and started admiring my skin colour…. I kinda like this shade of tan…. hahaha… and then I spent my sunday morning and afternoon at davinia’s place for dharma junior mtg. somehow I think the teachers enjoy getting distracted by davinia’s boys. hehe… and then a surprisingly quiet evening in the east with kit. I mean quiet for my mind, not my ears. hahaha…
5:54 pm
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
june, the month of insecurity
I hate how this whole self-pity emotion arise whenever I’m caught in helpless situations. I felt like as if my self-worth is a bee- see- dee. Despite trying to be rational, I still bear resentment towards people who say similar things like that whenever I express my interest in pursuing my education in a local prestigious campus.
These people are appearing to speak for the reality but to me, U ARE JUST MOCKING AT ME LOR!
“erm.. actually with your grades, you don’t have much chances to enter.”
thanks for your reminder lor, but no thanks. I’ve heard enough. By graduating from nus with your masters and now in the admission board, doesn’t give you a better position to tell me that I’m not as deserving as others.
well maybe you do…
I’m the one here with the problem. I’ve heard some truth and I got very upset. Not the first time hearing, yet still not used to it.
11:33 pm
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
secret desires
As my new blog title ‘secret place on Earth’ suggests, the contents mentioned here are not publicly told to anyone because I am very shy. Nevertheless, there is nothing at the moment for me to hide. Hopefully, I can open up to more people when I make the effort to note down my observed thoughts and emotions here.
I only started my day at noon and spent the rest of the time at Central as it was part of my plan to read the 2 dharma books while chillaxing with some cakes and coffee.
Then I got very restless probably because of the dose of caffeine so decided to leave my seat at tcc. Very predictably, I settled myself by the mesmerising riverside together with many other strangers at about 6pm.
It’s kinda fascinating to see how people are naturally attracted to the waters. It is a place where a lot of people can feel most at ease with themselves. At times like this, I will feel like I enjoy being a bystander very much. I enjoyed watching the the hustle bustle from afar, new rapids form when the boats passed, and my thoughts come and go.
12:07 am
Thursday, June 02, 2011
hi long time no see~
Another dinner with an irregular group of friends, I don’t dine with regular friends that’s why. I’m always meeting my different circles of friends once in a while…once in a blue moon. I dunno what kind of person experience the same thing as I do, in case you’re thinking of a personality trait that explains my “erratic” relationships with people.
So I spent this evening with two of my fellow old birds from enchanted after work. And as usual we were bringing up things that happened during the old enchanted times( defined as the time before some weird newbies joined us and the change in our upper management). Somehow I can anticipate the table topics for such once-in-a-while gatherings already… And usually I’d end up being the observer and participate by laughing most of the time and comment a bit ( I don’t have a lot of comments one).
I felt a little guilty towards them as I did not turn up for the chalet they had planned for in Jan and apparently they had spent much effort and money ( without being remunerated fully) in it. Probably they’re going to continue to remember me as the one of those who did not turn up for the chalet yet indicated yes on the fb invitation pg becos I was sick (and it was Dzambala’s celebration night). Actually that was not quite a big deal until I start to reflect on the people whom I managed to keep in contact over the years while I was on my way home.
I was thinking if I were to die now, then the last impression they have of me would be the one we have over the last dinner ( or karaoke 
). So I was imagining what some of them can best remember me as.
“ the girl who cried because there was no bus to bring her home” – my colleague reminded me of this embarrassing incident when we were waiting for the staff bus just now. 
the girl who….
“had a crush on her junior”
“is always late for school/work/appointments”
“ can’t decide on trivial things like the nail colour and hair clip”
“always sleeps in the breakroom”
or I think most people will simply say “ the short girl who laughs damn loudly”.
sigh. sounds quite sad lehhh…to think of it. And the sadder thing is, I still dunno what people can better rmb me for. You know what that means? I’m not quite sure who I am lor.
I mean I’m always engaging myself in different activities and hanging out with different people and resultantly, behave differently. (I used to think I;m a social butterfly but now I convinced myself that I’m not that sociable after all) And at the end of the day, I’m uncertain of the things I’ve done. like why did my behaviour, speech, mind turn out to be like that at the very moment? actually I can answer that question lar. I was not just aware of myself and my unstable thought patterns which are easily affected by what others say.
If I’m always alert and sharp then I should be able to understand myself better. Otherwise I will forever be living in my own beclouded world despite meeting so many people and never find a boyfriend.
may everyone gain a new understanding of themselves too.
goodnight